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You overdo it because you’re attempting to create a tipping point where the other person will reciprocate and match you and you’ll basically get a return on your investment.
It can even cross into you inadvertently attempting to guilt them into coughing up what they ‘owe’ – “I gave you eleven years…” or “If I’d known that you weren’t going to do _____, I wouldn’t have done _______.” the excessive giving is enough.
All of these people end up extremely hurt, rejected, distrusting, and even blaming and shaming themselves because in the quest to get what they wanted through giving, they lost sight of their identity and not only had their boundaries busted, but also busted their boundaries.
A frequent tale is the rather painful experience of making yourself indispensable with a view that the person thinks that you’re so valuable and devoted that they will give you the relationship that you want.
There is often a very quiet expectation that you’ve been giving so much that they will overlook what you perceive as your ‘flaws’, or you expect that they won’t reject you or get into conflict with you.
In some instances, it can literally be giving with a view to the other person doing exactly what you want.
There is something critical that gets forgotten by people who have the equivalent of an Overactive Giving Thyroid – if you keep giving blindly because you’re focused on trying to fill up a void within you and to generate a tipping point, you do not get a chance to truly see what the other person is about nor do you truly get to see what their Since I first wrote Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I’ve read thousands of stories via email and comments where the person was so in love with being in love, or focused on getting the commitment or validation, or in their own little illusionary world doing all this giving to build their ‘future’ together that they didn’t realise that the other person on board. Over-giving clouds out the other person – you’ll know who they are and what they’re about if you slow your giving roll.